i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
