so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize