I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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