i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
this boner is exhausting
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize