he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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