Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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