I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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