I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
