I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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