Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
