marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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