Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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