I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
