i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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