I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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