apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
