who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
