She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Drunk is a universal language darling
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
