my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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