I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
