i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
