Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
i think i just lost a toe
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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