I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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