I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
