put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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