Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
