My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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