And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
