and you said cock pushups were impossible
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize