if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
