just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I love having hate sex.
No subtext here. People are naked.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
