I got chris browned last night
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
