so explain again why im purple
no
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
