Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
