He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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