Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
