I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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