my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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