I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
