this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
