Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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