We're like a lot better than the average bears
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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