She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
