if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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