I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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