if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
