I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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