my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
