i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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