Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
