Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
