there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
