you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
