be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize