So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
