I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
