Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
