see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
barbara walters just said penis...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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